If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
