She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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