i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
