so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
