I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
