Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Randomize
