woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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