I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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