Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
