come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
