Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
