eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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