currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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