Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I am spending my child support on dildos
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
