i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
