Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
