I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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