ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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