why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Even the bartender felt bad for me
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize