There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
