What did we do last night that was yellow?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
