dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
