She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
