If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
