I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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