That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
