she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
