he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
