so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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