But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
