just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
