that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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