Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
