the condom got lost in my hair
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
