She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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