y did u give ur computer a hand job?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
