margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
