My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
