omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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