Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
