The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
