i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
