honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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