They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
