My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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