How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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