he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
