Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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