Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
