Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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