His hands were made for my vagina.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
