You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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