You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
