Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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