yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
