Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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