I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
