THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
